


With Shaking Hands And A Pounding Heart

by werebird



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bathing/Washing, Bathtubs, Hand Jobs, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-10 23:42:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5605501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/werebird/pseuds/werebird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall has an anxiety attack. Louis pulls him out of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	With Shaking Hands And A Pounding Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Trying to pull myself out of an anxiety attack by writing this.

When anxiety strikes bad, Niall feels nothing apart from being paralyzed. He's frightened of every movement, every impression, every single one of his thoughts. He's scared of what could be happening any minute and scared of what could happen in twenty years. He's scared of every worst-case scenario he can imagine. And Niall's imagination runs especially wild during an anxiety attack.

Speaking is difficult, expressing himself at all feels difficult as his knees feel weak and his hands shake. All he wants is to find sleep, but he hardly knows how to calm down enough to even lie down and calm his heartbeat.

He's been living with anxiety almost all his life, but he hasn't mastered to get through the worst attacks alone yet. He's lucky he doesn't have to anymore.

Louis is always there. Niall doesn't know how he manages, but he does. Whenever Niall feels like falling down the deepest and darkest hole of fear and panic, Louis is right there to pull him back out.

He doesn't know if people would approve of the way Louis does it, but Niall has stopped worrying about what other people might think. All he needs is Louis.

Louis makes him feel alive, safe and grounded. No other person has ever managed to coax as much trust out of him as Louis did. And continues to do.

"You okay there, Nialler?" Louis asks from where he's sprawled out on their sofa, playing video games.

Niall is ashamed. He is every time. Ashamed of not being okay, of being so bad so suddenly instead. He doesn't want it, doesn't want to need Louis as much as he does now, so he takes a deep breath, tries to buy himself some time. He considers lying for a second, but he can see by the look on Louis' face that he already knows. 

Niall shakes his head. He has no idea what has triggered the attack. It could have been everything. A scene in the video game, a sound outside he only picked up subconsciously, a small string of thoughts that's hatched out unnoticed in the back of his head. It could have a been a sting in his knee, the forgotten phone call or the pile of unanswered emails in his inbox. It doesn't even matter what it was. It happened and it only took a few seconds for Niall to feel completely miserable, scared and trapped in his own head, separated from his surrounding through a dull wall haziness and irrationality. 

Louis reacts instantly but not hectic. He turns off the video game and moves over to where Niall is sitting in their armchair. 

"It's okay, baby," he says quietly. "I'm here. I'm going to take care of you." He runs a warm hand over Niall's head and kisses his temple. "I always do. I won't leave you alone." 

He squeezes Niall's shoulder gently, slides his hand down his arms and pulls Niall up on his feet by his hands. 

Niall avoids making eye contact. He feels stupid for suddenly feeling like this. With no apparent reason. Niall can't explain and there is nothing for Louis to see on the surface. But Louis gets it. He gets it like no one else does. 

"It's okay, baby," he assures Niall. "I was done playing anyway. Let me take you to bed okay. But before I'm gonna draw you a nice bath. How does that sound? Good?" 

Niall nods. Still unable to express himself. 

Louis guides him to their bathroom by his shoulders and sets him down on the toilet lid. He turns on the tap and lets the hot water fill the bathtub. With skillful fingers he adds some bath salts and fragranced oils. Niall watches him, watches his hands move from the faucet to the bottles next the tub and then looks down at his own hand. They're shaking. Like they usually are when he feels like this. He concentrates to keep them still, tries so hard but they just won't. He got so lost on his attempts to hide how much his anxiety controls him that he doesn't notice Louis stepping closer. Not until Louis' hands cradle his own and hold them still with a tender touch. 

"Shh," Louis tries to calm him. "I'm here, baby," he almost whispers. "You're okay. You're safe." 

He kneels down in front of Niall and carefully slides of his socks.They're patterned with colorful stripes that never fail to make Niall happy for some reason. Even now, as he feels all hope being sucked out of him, he still looks at them and is reminded of the person he can be. The person he usually is. Not a terrified, shaking pile of anxiety, but a happy person.

Louis puts the sock aside and reaches up to pull off Niall's shirt. He shudders, with his bare skin suddenly being exposed to the air. 

"Not gonna be cold for long," Louis tells him. "Let's get you out of these pants, okay?"

Louis gets to his feet and helps Niall stand up. Louis uses the same clever fingers to open his belt and pull down his jeans and boxers in one swift motion. 

"Just step out of them," he says and Niall does as he's told. 

"Lets get you into tub."

Louis guides him forward by his shoulders and kisses his neck before he helps Niall step into the bathtub, careful that he won't slip.

Niall can feel some of the tension leaving him as the warm water surrounds him. Louis strokes along his arm, won't let him lose contact. He keeps his eyes on Niall, patiently waiting for some reaction. Niall knows he should talk, say something, anything, but he doesn't know how to put something into words that he can't even explain to himself. Something that doesn't even make sense. 

If only he could tell Louis something more meaningful than a simple Thank You. If only he could tell him, that if Louis wouldn't be here, things would have already been a million times worse. Maybe Louis can't chase away all his fears, but what he does is making Niall a little more brave to face them eventually. And that's more than anyone else has ever managed to do. 

"Little Nialler," Louis says, teasingly, almost singing it as he puts one of his hand up to Niall's cheek. "You still with me?"

Niall nods and even gives him a little smile.

"Don't be scared, baby. I got you," Louis tells him. "I'm here with you. Nothing's gonna hurt you." He soothingly runs his hand through Niall's damp hair. "I'm gonna make you stop thinking, okay? You trust me?"

"Always," Niall whispers. And he means it. 

Louis rolls up a small towel and places it between the edge of their tub and Niall's neck to make him more comfortable.

He kneels down then, at the side of the tub, crosses his arms along the edge and puts his head on his hands. He watches Niall with a curious gaze.

"I know, you think, you're not yourself like this, that you're different. But your not. You're still you. You still look inexplicably cute. You still make me want to cuddle you up and lick you all over," Louis grins. "You're still my little Nialler," Louis tells him.

It makes Niall smile. It's not a surprise really, Louis makes him smile often, makes him burst out of laughter on even more occasions, but for one second Louis' gentle words manage to drown out the chaos in his head. 

Before it all comes crushing back though, just a moment later.

"You never think you deserve to be touched when you're scared. You never think you deserve anything good, because you're scared, that you're not worth it. And because you're scared your going to lose it anyway. But you won't lose me. And I know that you know it. And you deserve it, Niall. There is nothing in the world, you could do that would justify you not being loved. Not being touched," Louis adds quietly and puts a tentative hand on Niall's knee that's sticking out of the water. He brushes along Niall's scar. By far Niall's least favorite spot on his body. Louis doesn't do it out of pity though. He traces the dark line and counts out the stitches it took to keep the incision close.

It reminds Niall that he doesn't have to hide. Not ever. Not from Louis.

When Louis puts his hand flat on Niall's thigh, his words echo in Niall's mind. 'You deserve this.' 

Somehow Niall knows the exact texture of Louis' palms. He knows every soft curve and every rough spot, every line and every pattern on his skin.They're Niall's favorite hands in the whole world. On his favorite person in the world. 

"You're not usually this sappy," Niall says. He doesn't really know where the words come from. But he wants Louis to keep talking. Wants to connect with him. How normal people connect. When they talk.

"Maybe I knew it would make you want to call me a sappy idiot."

"I didn't say 'idiot'."

"No," Louis says thoughtfully. "You never would."

Louis uses his fingertips to play with the water engulfing Niall's upper thigh. He flicks some drops in the general direction of Niall's face.

"Hey," Niall calls out, though he was barely hit.

Louis does it again. And then for third time until Niall uses the element of surprise to splash a handful of warm water against Louis' face and his chest.

"Woah," Louis blurts. "Uncalled for."

"Uncalled for?" Niall says and throws Louis an unconvinced look. "You had it coming."

"I wanna make you come," Louis says, somewhat out of the blue, although Niall could tell he was thinking about it.

Louis doesn't break eye contact while Niall lets his words sink it.

His anxiety always kills any sexual urge or desire in him. His soft cock drifts in the water, completely uninterested in the whole situation.

"Why?" Niall asks.

"I wanna see you breathless. Wanna see your heart racing from something other than fear," Louis says.

Niall takes a moment to focus on his own heartbeat. Faster than normal, but it could be worse. He's had worse. His heart always gives him away when he falls down an anxiety attack. But also when his love for Louis takes over all his senses. Maybe Louis knows that Niall's heart usually starts pounding when he picks up Louis' voice in a crowd. Or when hesitates for that split second before he kisses Niall to savor in the anticipation. Maybe he doesn't. Maybe Louis mistakes it for fear.

"I wish it would just stop racing at all," Niall says honestly.

"It's just trying to keep you alive," Louis replies, voice low and calm.

"There's nothing threatening me being alive. Not here. Not with you. There's no reason for it go this hard. It's not trying to save me, it's trying to give me a heart attack."

"It's calm when you sleep."

"You're a creeper," Niall says, but grins. "A sappy creeper."

Louis smiles at him, the crinkles around his eyes makes Niall's heart melt. And slow down by about two beats.

Niall puts his own hand on Louis', the one that's still lingering on his leg. He tentatively starts to move both their hands down his thigh. Slowly, carefully testing how it feels. His body reacts instantly. His heart picks up those two beats again and cock twitches ever so slightly.

Niall leaves Louis' hand alone and slings his fingers around his arm instead. Not stopping him. Not urging him on. Just holding on to him.

"Can I?" Louis asks.

Niall nods.

"Do you want me to?"

"Make me come, Lou. I want you to make me come," Niall assures him.

Louis doesn't tease him. Doesn't play any games this time. He knows it would only make Niall feel worse. Whenever Niall feels shaky and insecure, Louis' movements become more confident, calm and steady.

He warps his hand around Niall's cock with a firm grip, not moving yet, just giving Niall some time to get used to it, a moment to see if maybe Niall overestimated how comfortable he'd be with being touched.

Niall meets his gaze head on and nods. He feels his cock fill in Louis' palm. Feels the steady grip ground him. 'You deserve this,' Niall reminds himself. 'You deserve to be touched.'

Louis' shameless hunger for Niall's body and soul is responsible for at least two thirds of Niall's sexual confidence that has been growing steadily since he's met Louis.

It doesn't fail him now either.

"Be rough," Niall tells Louis. He doesn't want soft. Not now. He wants to feel something. Not just a fleeting touch, but Louis' whole hand, the hold he got on him, on his heart.

"Not gonna hurt you," Louis says. The first tug of his hand is quick and strong nonetheless.

"You never would," Niall just says, mirroring Louis' own words.

Louis twist his hand around Niall's length that filled out completely.

The water softens the drag of skin against skin. It still doesn't work as well as lube. Instead it washes away the drops of precome he leaks, leaving him with nothing but Louis' hand and the water that surrounds him.

Niall doesn't mind.

Louis moves his hands slowly, but keeps his firm grip, tugs strongly and squeezes the head of Niall's cock on every second stroke. It's just what Niall wanted.

"I'm not gonna break," Niall says, even though Louis is not particular careful with him anyway.

"I know," Louis tells him. "I don't think your weak just because you get anxious. He strokes Niall a little rougher then, uncoordinated, without a steady rhythm. "I think your vulnerable. But not weak," Louis adds and forces Niall's first moan out of him with a clever twist of his wrist.

Niall continues to seek out Louis' eyes. Louis meets his gaze but breaks eye contact every now and then to glance down at his hand. Or Niall's cock.

"Help me out," Louis says. His voice is still loud, his arousal audible to Niall. He doesn't need help. Never does. But Niall knows he wants to see.

Niall keeps his one hand on Louis' arm but uses the other to fondle around his balls. It's not like there's much space between his legs, not when his legs are trapped in the tub, so he bumps into Louis' hands a lot.

It's without any finesse, the way the both of them urge Niall closer to the edge of his orgasm. They definitely lack a coordinated technique, but the touch of Louis' hands, his tugs and strokes and squeezes combined with Niall's own fingers playing with the skin of his sack and teasing the skin behind, have Niall breathing faster just a few minutes later.

"When you feel better tomorrow, I want you to fuck me," Louis says and Niall can't stop himself from letting out a groan. "Want you to fuck me hard too," Louis goes on. "Want you to use all your strength."

Niall lets the image play out in his head while Louis talks and comes just a few moments later. He throws his head back, breaking eye contact with Louis for the first time himself.  
With his eyes closed and the towel safely tucked under his neck, his body relaxes immediately, anxiety seeping out of every pore.

"You always get so pale," Louis says quietly. He runs his fingers up and down Niall's leg again. "When you're having an attack," he clarifies. "But you always get flushed when I whip out that dirty talk," Louis chuckles and places a gentle kiss on Niall's knee. "Suits you better. Those rosy cheeks," he says and flicks some water in Niall's face again.

Niall feels a soft smile tugging on his lips.

"You're a sappy pervert," Niall jokes.

"Let me take you to bed then," Louis says. "Wanna listen to your heart beat while you sleep. Like the sappy creeper I am."

Niall cracks one eye open to glance at Louis. He's still kneeling besides the tub, chasing drops of water that run down Niall's leg with his finger.

"Thank you," Niall says.

Louis lifts his head to look at him.

"You know how to thank me tomorrow," he says, smirking at Niall with hungry eyes.


End file.
